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Dear Dan Savage,
Nov. 20th, 2007 09:45 pmOh no you didn't!
Actually, I'm not really that surprised. But it still merited a mention. Booo.
ETA:
Okay, here is me explaining my point of view a bit more concertedly.
I am not saying the guy was wrong for not being attracted to his partner anymore--it happens. God knows it's happened to me before, although it didn't really have anything to do with weight. Sometimes you just fall out of lust with someone. And as frequently as I disagree with Dan Savage, I also don't believe he is wrong for advising the guy to talk to his partner about his issue.
I did think, however, that the way Savage worded his answer could have been a lot less negative towards women who happen to be fat and who are happy with their health and the way they look. Women like me, for example. I don't particularly like my movements to be described using the word "waddle"--I don't waddle. I am actually very graceful.
I don't like it being assumed that all of my problems will be solved if I lose weight--the guy mentions a lot of other health issues his wife has, such as bad skin, smelly gas, poor eating habits, etc, yet the weight issue is the one that gets fixated on, and the only one Dan makes light of.
In recent columns, he has advised a woman who wasn't sexually attracted to her nice, loving partner to reconsider whether she wanted to continue the relationship, and counseled a gay man who thought his partner was getting a bit pudgy to move on or risk subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. But in this week's response, his advice is laden with implicit blame:
Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I'm not as physically attracted as I'd like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?"
and
It's not that hard to say, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?"
and my personal favourite,
Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.
I don't know, it's possible that I'm overreacting. When you deal with that negative attitude every time you eat a cookie in public, it's hard not to. But I feel that his language was very telling, particularly since this is not his first time dealing with the issue of a partner becoming less attracted--or even a partner becoming less attracted because of weight gain.
Actually, I'm not really that surprised. But it still merited a mention. Booo.
ETA:
Okay, here is me explaining my point of view a bit more concertedly.
I am not saying the guy was wrong for not being attracted to his partner anymore--it happens. God knows it's happened to me before, although it didn't really have anything to do with weight. Sometimes you just fall out of lust with someone. And as frequently as I disagree with Dan Savage, I also don't believe he is wrong for advising the guy to talk to his partner about his issue.
I did think, however, that the way Savage worded his answer could have been a lot less negative towards women who happen to be fat and who are happy with their health and the way they look. Women like me, for example. I don't particularly like my movements to be described using the word "waddle"--I don't waddle. I am actually very graceful.
I don't like it being assumed that all of my problems will be solved if I lose weight--the guy mentions a lot of other health issues his wife has, such as bad skin, smelly gas, poor eating habits, etc, yet the weight issue is the one that gets fixated on, and the only one Dan makes light of.
In recent columns, he has advised a woman who wasn't sexually attracted to her nice, loving partner to reconsider whether she wanted to continue the relationship, and counseled a gay man who thought his partner was getting a bit pudgy to move on or risk subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. But in this week's response, his advice is laden with implicit blame:
Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I'm not as physically attracted as I'd like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?"
and
It's not that hard to say, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?"
and my personal favourite,
Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.
I don't know, it's possible that I'm overreacting. When you deal with that negative attitude every time you eat a cookie in public, it's hard not to. But I feel that his language was very telling, particularly since this is not his first time dealing with the issue of a partner becoming less attracted--or even a partner becoming less attracted because of weight gain.
