Dear Dan Savage,

[chavvah]

Oh no you didn't!

Actually, I'm not really that surprised. But it still merited a mention. Booo.

ETA:

Okay, here is me explaining my point of view a bit more concertedly.

I am not saying the guy was wrong for not being attracted to his partner anymore--it happens. God knows it's happened to me before, although it didn't really have anything to do with weight. Sometimes you just fall out of lust with someone. And as frequently as I disagree with Dan Savage, I also don't believe he is wrong for advising the guy to talk to his partner about his issue.

I did think, however, that the way Savage worded his answer could have been a lot less negative towards women who happen to be fat and who are happy with their health and the way they look. Women like me, for example. I don't particularly like my movements to be described using the word "waddle"--I don't waddle. I am actually very graceful.

I don't like it being assumed that all of my problems will be solved if I lose weight--the guy mentions a lot of other health issues his wife has, such as bad skin, smelly gas, poor eating habits, etc, yet the weight issue is the one that gets fixated on, and the only one Dan makes light of.

In recent columns, he has advised a woman who wasn't sexually attracted to her nice, loving partner to reconsider whether she wanted to continue the relationship, and counseled a gay man who thought his partner was getting a bit pudgy to move on or risk subconsciously sabotaging the relationship. But in this week's response, his advice is laden with implicit blame:

Try saying something like this: "Honestly, I love you, but I'm not as physically attracted as I'd like to be. Can I help you work out a bit?"

and

It's not that hard to say, "You have gotten fat and unattractive and my sex drive is nil, so can we do something about it before I bail on you?"

and my personal favourite,

Open communication means revealing your thoughts so the other person can take action. Which sometimes means saying, "Unless you take up jogging and lose 35 pounds, sweetie, I'm going to have a hard time being sexually excited about you." The partner either laces up the running shoes or they waddle on with their life.

I don't know, it's possible that I'm overreacting. When you deal with that negative attitude every time you eat a cookie in public, it's hard not to. But I feel that his language was very telling, particularly since this is not his first time dealing with the issue of a partner becoming less attracted--or even a partner becoming less attracted because of weight gain.

Comments

[lietya.livejournal.com]

Those are exactly the lines that I found objectionable, too. (You are, incidentally, not only graceful but gorgeous!) There's no reason to use vicious, deliberately hurtful language to someone you are supposed to love. On top of which, maybe if she fixed the related issues - better diet, skin care, maybe counseling to deal with what may be depression or other underlying motivation that's worse for *her* than for some guy who wants to have sex with her - she'd be more attractive to him even if she didn't drop a pound.

In fact, were I in that relationship, I'd be out the door the minute he said "Honey, you've gotten fat." Call it waddling on with my life (to which I'd say, fuck you), but what's the point of sticking around so that this person can harass and guilt-trip me for a few more years? Would there be regular weigh-ins to make sure I was still acceptable to him, perhaps stealthy laxatives and steam baths the day before so I could "pass," the way supermodels and jockeys have to live? No, thanks.

Besides, I notice Savage didn't address two points that get made fairly often when the "I'm not attracted anymore" problem comes up : first, maybe this is just an excuse for Sir Skinny Asshole to dump her, and second, we have only his word that not only is he thin and in shape now but WILL BE FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. Jeez.

[chavvah.livejournal.com]

(You are, incidentally, not only graceful but gorgeous!)

Aw, thanks. I was actually wondering whether any of my pals would respond to the 'graceful' comment with, "But don't you remember that time at my house when you belly-flopped into the punch fountain?" or whatever. So far no one has, which is nice of them. ;)

[archaica.livejournal.com]

Heh :)

[chavvah.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure the only reason you didn't say it is because I've never been to your house. :P

[archaica.livejournal.com]

Tee-hee!! :)

[lietya.livejournal.com]

Well, I like to think "graceful" and "clumsy" aren't mutually exclusive, but I have ulterior motives. ;)

[dontmentionlove.livejournal.com]

Wait...you belly-flopped onto my punch fountain? where was I when this happened? oh wait, now i remember, i'm fat, so I guess I was probably eating cookies... because i was too distracted with my love of food to complete my jury duty. srsly.

sometimes i wonder if it is in fact rare for people to love each other for their possession of anything other than a fleeting superficial beauty. columns like this one don't help.

the fem theory in me makes me incapable of reading columns like this without filling in the details the writer barely hints at so as to bring the larger classist, agist, fatphobic, misogynist patriarchal context into full focus.

Here's what I get when I read this: "wow when we were young and addicted to heroin and didn't give a shit about the silverfish in the bathtub and doing laundry, our life was so punk rock and hot. now that there's all this adult stuff to deal with"--keeping a house and marriage in tact involves much more than just the "cleaning" and affirmations this guy seems to think it does--"i'm just not feelin' it."

I find it revealing that his definition of being a good husband involves telling his wife he loves her and doing some (light?) cleaning. He talks about her helping him achieve his goals (which includes becoming captain Buff 'n Stuff, but at the sacrifice of what???) but there is no mention of her own, or about why she might be "letting herself go."

We've talked at length about how the body type en vogue is always a reflection of what's available only to a select few with money and leisure, so I probably don't need to point out that if this dude has had increasing time to be some sort of Punk Rock Adonis, he probably has had to let other things, related to her and their relationship slide.

I also find it disturbing that he implies that he was "more unattractive" at the outset of their relationship, suggesting that she accepted him for who he was, but he was only down so long as she wasn't keeping food down.

grah!